|||: Fatal/Feckless/Futile

A Beautiful Mess

An oxymoron. But that's just how we all are. We are all messed up one way or another but we are all beautiful, regardless on the inside or the outside. Note I didn't say inside AND outside because in that case, you probably won't be a mess and your life would be fucking perfect like Taylor Swift's. Sad to say, I do not belong in the "We" group because I am neither beautiful on the inside nor on the outside. I am one honest brutal bitch when it comes to verbal violence and I am definitely not your typical girl-next-door; Hello Kitty loving; big eyed, long haired and flawless complexion kind of girl. On the contrary, I am an introvert, I only open up to people who I am very, very comfortable with; I hate the colour pink, I like black; I do not believe in unicorns and rainbows and fucking fairies; I embrace darkness and unconventionality. I am not a girl that all guys will want to date. Why? Because I am a mere mess. Forgive me for this bias thought, but in my opinion guys would rather date a girl who is beautiful even though she is a mess. Explains why I'm single. But that's not the point, I am (rather) satisfied with my miserable life now. However,

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction. --- Chuck Palaniuk

I often question myself,

Me 1: "Who would love you if you constantly drown yourself in depression and misery?"

Me 2: "The one you're talking to right now. You have only yourself to love, and only you to love yourself."

Alter Ego usually wins this conversation and serves as a self-comfort because at least I know I will be there for myself when no one else is. Ironic, ain't it? Ha. Proving that I am a mess once more. I am not proud to be a mess, it's just that this mess defines me, it is a part of me, it is me.

We all need and have someone we can turn to, but there are a lot of things which I keep from people and then I magically evolve into Level 10 Voltorb while my Alter Ego becomes a Level 69 Metapod and Self Destruct seems to be the only way to escape this battle because my Alter Ego hardens like what a Metapod does and it always wins. Either way, I am ridiculously dysfunctional. But that's just me. Y'know?